Presenting the weirdest story I've ever done : Teeny, Tiny, Thighmaster Tales #1


Post By

ManMa
Sun Jul 13, 2003 at 11:04:50 am EST
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The tiny principality of Bovoria is located in the dimmest corners of Eastern Europe and has been largely overlooked by the world in general. The population of the country is believed to number in the thousand and is considered the more backward cousin of it's neighbour, Moldova. Technological progress has been outlawed, as has emigration, so life for the citizens of Bovoria is much the same as it was 400 years ago - long, hard and cholera infected. One man rules over this country with oppressive glee, a man who controls 99.9% of the wealth and who's only goals are to rule over more countries and to seize that 0.1% back from the bastard who stole it from him. At the moment though, he would also like to be invited to more parties...

----

The Thighmaster slouched unhappily in his over-sized, over-gilt throne. "Why?!? Why do people hate me so much?" he whined to Browning, who was standing attentively to his master's right.
"I'm afraid it's one of the fatal drawbacks in attempts to conquer the world sir," the butler explained.
"I would've ruled in a nice iron fist way!" the villain protested, he sighed deeply and stared into the empty space of his courtroom; a lavish hall decorated by his ancestors over 3 centuries ago, the villain had done his best to retain the style emulated by the original architect, while updating certain elements into the present, however, things had not gone according to plan, the water feature - The Thighmaster lightly spouting water onto his adoring populace - had originally planned to take up 4.0 square feet, but due to contracting errors, the measurements were misunderstood, the water feature now stood at 40 feet and took up most of the hall, the spouting water feature was deafening and had long been disconnected. A small canoe was needed to navigate the room.
The Thighmaster's eyes lit up as an idea struck him; "I've got it!" he sprang from his throne puff-chested, hands on hips. "I'll become a superhero!"
Browning cleared his throat. "...pardon me, sir?"
"I'll be a hero!" His master repeated. "People love heroes! And when I become one they'll have no choice but to love me! My people will love me or I'll grind them into powder and use them to grit my icy floors!" The Thighmaster cackled wildly at the genius of his decision.

----

Thighmasteristhegreatest Smith sat happily upon his cart, a great brown oxen pulling his vegetable wares to the market that morning in Thighmasterwillruletheworldville. As he got closer to the capital village, he suddenly remembered that it was Tuesday and he'd forgotten to wear his banana. "Bloody hell!" he exclaimed and started frantically searching for it in the many pockets of his coarse woollen overcoat, a hand grabbed something hard and he quickly pulled it out; the farmer stared at it with a sigh of relief, it was a crude wooden banana decorated in a garish yellow that may or may not have been painted with some off-colour dung. Smith promptly jammed the banana onto the top of his head, tied the connecting string into a knot under his chin and relaxed considerably.

----

“Pink or purple?” Thighmaster had been stuck on the decision for over an hour. “Which says ‘I’m a superhero!’ more?” The villain picked up both pairs of the pantaloons and held them side-by-side. “Browning?”
The butler inspected them for a moment. “I believe the pink draws attention to the porcelain-like quality of your skin, while the purple conjures images of Errol Flynn as Captain Blood.”
“Purple it is then!” The villain announced. “Now...should I wear the 14 or 16 inch codpiece?”

----

Thighmasterwillruletheworldville is the largest village in Bovoria and is considered by all to be it’s capital. It has a daily market where it’s populace can barter for fresh goods or clothing and is done so in a friendly and genial way under the close scrutiny of the ThighmasterMilitia, who make up almost half of the countries population.

----

Thighmasteristhegreatest Smith slowly pulled into his familiar spot in the market and started unloading the goods he had for exchange. A deep, friendly voice greeted him from behind. “Hello Smith!”
The farmer turned and was met by Thighmastercansatisfymanywomen Green, his long-time friend and the landlord of the tavern across the street - The Awesome Power of the Thighmaster. “Green!” the farmer smiled. “How’s business this morning?”
“Not too bad, not too bad,” he replied adjusting the wooden banana on the top of his head. “Although I’ve got a little problem I know you can help me with ...” the landlord’s voice became hushed and frantic. “My niece lost her banana yesterday...”
Smith’s eyes widened. “But it’s Tuesday!”
Green nodded sadly. “I know, if the militia see her ... she’s off to the tower...”
“Good lord...” Smith gasped. “So you want a replacement...?”
Green smiled. “Yes! But you know ... let’s keep it ...” the landlord tapped the side of his nose.
The farmer checked for any signs of militia activity, seeing none he dug into his vegetable cart and moved some of the larger turnips aside to reveal a cache of 30 or so wooden bananas. “See anything your niece might like?”
“... That one,” Green pointed.
“Good choice, the wife only carved it the other day ...” Smith observed. “Quickly now, get it to your niece before anyone else sees her.” Green took the banana, thrust it into his pocket and trotted across towards his tavern.

----

The Thighmaster checked himself in the mirror. He brushed his pencil moustache with his fingers and inspected their symmetry. “Heroic enough, Browning?” he asked.
“Very ... daring sir,” the butler replied. “Might I suggest a hat? It’s a touch chilly this morning.”
“Hmm...” the villain considered this. “Bring me the green and purple one, you know, with the bells?”
Browning bowed politely. “Right away sir.”
“Oh! And Browning? Get the coach ready, we’re popping into town,” The Thighmaster giggled excitedly. “Bovoria will love me!”

----

Swingy, master of the swinging arts lorded over his new gang. “The Thighmaster screwed me good, when things got a little crazy back in ‘Vegas he ran like a little girl all the way back to his home country, the reason I hired you guys - apart from the fact that you were cheap - is that you’ve had experience with this ManMan guy...I wanna know, how’d he do it? How’d he beat all of you? And how can I use it to destroy the Thighmaster once an’ for all?!?”
One of the gang, called Nigel, answered. “'e uh...'e ran around a lot...screamed a bit like a girl.”
“And 'e 'ad a dog!” continued another, also called Nigel.
“A guy wiv plants on 'is back was there too...” said another Nigel.
“What?!? spiffy was there?!?” Swingy raged. “That @#£^! He’s gonna be next....As soon as I kill The Thighmaster.”
“So, uh....Can we 'ave our money now?” asked the greediest of the gang, called Nigel.
Swingy hit him with a vine. “For telling me Thighmaster got beat by a dog and some plants?!?! @#£^ no! All you Nigel's are coming with me to Bovoria and I want that pantaloon-wearing freak dead! YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!”


End of Part One.

Next - The Thighmaster’s first day on the job as a superhero! Swingy’s invasion! And an explanation of the Banana thing!


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